No. 10

hmm... well, let's see what has happened in the past two weeks? probably  more than my brain could possibly fathom... as in my brain may or may not spontaneously combust very very soon.

1. I graduated college.
as in I am done with schooling forever. the only thing truly standing between me and educational freedom is a series of five Registry examinations (board equivalent for med students) that I have to take within the next 365 days... did I mention that are going to cost me $250 each? that's over a thousand dollars worth of testing and I feel as though I will die before each one - just to be resurrected to take another and keep dying. it's a vicious process. but aside from all of that, I am more than ecstatic to have the realization that I will never have to step back into a college classroom ever again. I mean, that moment of realization is what the past four years have lead up to, right? of course. so why is it that I feel more stress now than I did when I was actually in school? hmm... trickery, if you ask me.

2. I start job hunting tomorrow.
what do you do when there is a job that you so desperately want...but probably will not get? like whenever students graduate, they want that dream job that is ideal and perfect in every way. well, I found that job. I applied for that job. I probably won't get that job... and instead, I will have to work in a hospital, I'm sure. and that is the most unfortunate of events. bring on the 2am call backs.

3. I miss my best friend.
my roommate. my sister. my daughter. my patient. my best friend. yes, I miss her. I miss her retarded comments starting from the time she wakes up to the time to gets the droops at 10pm. I miss her 1am "want to go with me to [insert 24 hour food joint here - Krispy Kreme, Taco Smelly, Sonic...whichever]." I don't think it has really hit me that I am not going back to Mobile soon... it's an odd feeling. it's odd to think that the city that I was so ready to leave four long years ago and the city that I promised I would never return to for living purposes is the same city that I did, in fact, move back to and the city that I want to be in. now, if you put my best friend here also? well, that would just be ideal.

4. I am a worrywart.
about everything... from my financial status and my parents cutting me off. to my jobless status and my soon to be never-ending hunt. to my not so lonely loneliness. to my cousin and his grand mal seizures that scare me about to death. to my sleep schedule that has been out of whack for four years now. to my work out schedule that is sure to turn me into a pile of immobile mush. this is an ongoing list, really.

but the best part of all of this? I know that it is all exactly what I am supposed to be doing, because I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, thinking exactly what I am supposed to be thinking. God has a plan and I am surely hoping that He has big things planned for me. here's to putting the trust in Him and not in myself... because I know that I surely cannot handle all of the stress. but He can.

"when I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a 

single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything You gave me.'"

Erma Bombeck

No. 9

as I currently sit, I have just finished my "goodbye letter" to my wonderful roommate and best friend. that was a tough one. how do you sum up the greatness of the past 4 years into one letter? simply put, you can't. my next task is to finish her mix CD that also attempts to sum up the previous 4 years. also impossible.

and as I begin to get things in order to leave, I realize that maybe I am going to miss this place more than expected. I'm especially going to miss the beach trips at midnight and 2am. those were the most calming moments of my life... an empty beach with just me, my roommate, and our thoughts. yes, those will be greatly missed. and I am going to miss Foosackly's and Roly Poly and Spot of Tea and all of the other delicious restaurants that my roommate and I claim as "our spots." I am going to miss every single morning after story that my roommate has to offer (and there are many). I am going to miss a lot more than I am going to not miss, if that makes any sense what so ever.

but I should also know that what is ahead of me is also great and worth moving forward to. I feel that God has great things planned for me and I can't dwell on things that I will miss about Mobile or else I might miss something great in my future. I have immense faith in Him and this move is what I am supposed to be doing at the juncture in my life. so with that, this is the last that I will be sad about my leaving. instead, I will embrace it for what it is and look forward to the great move.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

- Lady GaGa

No. 8

this is a subject that I would generally NEVER talk about, because it is something that is far too near and dear to my heart. but after a major emotional breakdown on I-10 and a slight realization, I feel that writing about my Papaw might help me come to terms. and as opposed to writing in a "diary" where I feel crazy for writing to myself, I write here as if I am telling someone else (but while simultaneously telling myself). I should be institutionalized.

quick back story:
Papaw died a year and a half ago.

current situation:
I called Mamaw as I was coming back into the wonderful Mobile, but of course, she did not answer so the answering machine picked up. now, the answering machine is some odd man's voice that sounds nothing like my Papaw's voice, but for half of a half of a half of a second, I thought it was him that answered... and my heart nearly fell through my floor and onto the interstate. I think I caught myself off guard, because in my heart, I know that he is dead. but in my mind, I still expect to see him every. single. time. that I go home to visit my family. and so whenever the answering machine picked up, all that I processed was 'there is a man answering the phone at Mamaw's house. it must be Papaw.' and I think that a part of me wanted it to be him so bad that as soon as I realized that it was not him, I broke down.

quicker back story:
I was at his house the night he died.
I did not sleep. I stayed awake to listen to him breathe on the baby monitor.
I'm not sure why. I just had a bad feeling. so I listened.
I heard Mamaw wake up and begin panicking.
and I can replay it all in my head at an instant's notice.

current situation:
as soon as I realized that the machine was, in fact, not him, every single event from that night flooded into my brain. I could see it. I could hear it. I could feel it. all at once. and this time, I wasn't on pills to numb the pain like I was the night of his death. I do this from time to time... the whole flash flood of images and emotions and feelings. and I know that it's perfectly normal, but the extent to which I do, is probably not normal. it is almost like self destruction, because I know that it is going to send me spiraling into a panic attack - yet, I do it anyways. on the interstate, nonetheless. so, here I am, practically convulsing on the interstate as I try to navigate my way to my apartment... and then the realization hits that I'll never see him again - which I know, but I cannot accept. and then my convulsions calm to tears and tears calm to a runny nose and then it's gone. I go back to the fact that he's still alive and just waiting at home in his recliner - preparing my mind for the next time.

why can't I just prepare my mind for the fact that he's not at home?
why can't I just accept the reality that he's gone forever?
and most importantly, why do I do this to myself?

“Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950’s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.”

 -Chuck Palahniuk

No. 7

well, the last bout with blogging my feelings lasted all of...6 posts.
we shall see how long this one lasts. and since my life is not exciting right now, my guess is probably not very long. but who knows? here goes nothing.

23 days.
this is the countdown.
the final countdown.
I will be a college graduate in twenty-three days. I will move back home in twenty-three days. I will have to find a job in twenty-three days. I will leave my best friend of four years in twenty-three days. the first two, I am pretty excited about. the latter two, not so much.

I mean, this is what the past four years have been about, right? my collegiate career is coming to an abrupt end. and don't get me wrong, I am so very ecstatic about being finished with school. BUT it means that I have to step out of my comfort zone and step into what is known by most as the "real world." what do I mean? well, I've been in school since I was the ripe age of five. that is seventeen years that I have been going to school. I'm comfortable. I know my place. I wake up, go to school, do extracurricular activities, go home, etc. I have never had to NOT go to school. so what is going to happen when there is no more school to go to? that is a bit frightening. I have to wake up and go to a forever job. WOAH, HAUS. I have such high hopes for what kind of job that I want, and what is going to happen if I don't get that job? I mean, I suppose that it is all in God's hands and I trust that. but it still frightens me for what is to come.

and what am I going to do without my best friend? yes, the girl drives me crazy sometimes. and yes, I drive her crazy just as much. but we have been through the thickest of thick and the thinnest of thin throughout the past four years. we met two weeks into our collegiate life and have been inseparable ever since. we are two completely different souls, but we mesh pretty well together. and in twenty-three days, I am going to be four hours away. I know that's not exactly across the country, but it's farther than wanted. I want to be right down the hall from her like it's always been. I guess we're going to have to invest in Skype like nobody's business. this is going to be quite the unfortunate situation.

but I guess this is growing up. (Blink 182 lyric, yes)

"so shall we come to look at the world with new eyes."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson