No. 10

hmm... well, let's see what has happened in the past two weeks? probably  more than my brain could possibly fathom... as in my brain may or may not spontaneously combust very very soon.

1. I graduated college.
as in I am done with schooling forever. the only thing truly standing between me and educational freedom is a series of five Registry examinations (board equivalent for med students) that I have to take within the next 365 days... did I mention that are going to cost me $250 each? that's over a thousand dollars worth of testing and I feel as though I will die before each one - just to be resurrected to take another and keep dying. it's a vicious process. but aside from all of that, I am more than ecstatic to have the realization that I will never have to step back into a college classroom ever again. I mean, that moment of realization is what the past four years have lead up to, right? of course. so why is it that I feel more stress now than I did when I was actually in school? hmm... trickery, if you ask me.

2. I start job hunting tomorrow.
what do you do when there is a job that you so desperately want...but probably will not get? like whenever students graduate, they want that dream job that is ideal and perfect in every way. well, I found that job. I applied for that job. I probably won't get that job... and instead, I will have to work in a hospital, I'm sure. and that is the most unfortunate of events. bring on the 2am call backs.

3. I miss my best friend.
my roommate. my sister. my daughter. my patient. my best friend. yes, I miss her. I miss her retarded comments starting from the time she wakes up to the time to gets the droops at 10pm. I miss her 1am "want to go with me to [insert 24 hour food joint here - Krispy Kreme, Taco Smelly, Sonic...whichever]." I don't think it has really hit me that I am not going back to Mobile soon... it's an odd feeling. it's odd to think that the city that I was so ready to leave four long years ago and the city that I promised I would never return to for living purposes is the same city that I did, in fact, move back to and the city that I want to be in. now, if you put my best friend here also? well, that would just be ideal.

4. I am a worrywart.
about everything... from my financial status and my parents cutting me off. to my jobless status and my soon to be never-ending hunt. to my not so lonely loneliness. to my cousin and his grand mal seizures that scare me about to death. to my sleep schedule that has been out of whack for four years now. to my work out schedule that is sure to turn me into a pile of immobile mush. this is an ongoing list, really.

but the best part of all of this? I know that it is all exactly what I am supposed to be doing, because I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, thinking exactly what I am supposed to be thinking. God has a plan and I am surely hoping that He has big things planned for me. here's to putting the trust in Him and not in myself... because I know that I surely cannot handle all of the stress. but He can.

"when I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a 

single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything You gave me.'"

Erma Bombeck

No. 9

as I currently sit, I have just finished my "goodbye letter" to my wonderful roommate and best friend. that was a tough one. how do you sum up the greatness of the past 4 years into one letter? simply put, you can't. my next task is to finish her mix CD that also attempts to sum up the previous 4 years. also impossible.

and as I begin to get things in order to leave, I realize that maybe I am going to miss this place more than expected. I'm especially going to miss the beach trips at midnight and 2am. those were the most calming moments of my life... an empty beach with just me, my roommate, and our thoughts. yes, those will be greatly missed. and I am going to miss Foosackly's and Roly Poly and Spot of Tea and all of the other delicious restaurants that my roommate and I claim as "our spots." I am going to miss every single morning after story that my roommate has to offer (and there are many). I am going to miss a lot more than I am going to not miss, if that makes any sense what so ever.

but I should also know that what is ahead of me is also great and worth moving forward to. I feel that God has great things planned for me and I can't dwell on things that I will miss about Mobile or else I might miss something great in my future. I have immense faith in Him and this move is what I am supposed to be doing at the juncture in my life. so with that, this is the last that I will be sad about my leaving. instead, I will embrace it for what it is and look forward to the great move.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

- Lady GaGa

No. 8

this is a subject that I would generally NEVER talk about, because it is something that is far too near and dear to my heart. but after a major emotional breakdown on I-10 and a slight realization, I feel that writing about my Papaw might help me come to terms. and as opposed to writing in a "diary" where I feel crazy for writing to myself, I write here as if I am telling someone else (but while simultaneously telling myself). I should be institutionalized.

quick back story:
Papaw died a year and a half ago.

current situation:
I called Mamaw as I was coming back into the wonderful Mobile, but of course, she did not answer so the answering machine picked up. now, the answering machine is some odd man's voice that sounds nothing like my Papaw's voice, but for half of a half of a half of a second, I thought it was him that answered... and my heart nearly fell through my floor and onto the interstate. I think I caught myself off guard, because in my heart, I know that he is dead. but in my mind, I still expect to see him every. single. time. that I go home to visit my family. and so whenever the answering machine picked up, all that I processed was 'there is a man answering the phone at Mamaw's house. it must be Papaw.' and I think that a part of me wanted it to be him so bad that as soon as I realized that it was not him, I broke down.

quicker back story:
I was at his house the night he died.
I did not sleep. I stayed awake to listen to him breathe on the baby monitor.
I'm not sure why. I just had a bad feeling. so I listened.
I heard Mamaw wake up and begin panicking.
and I can replay it all in my head at an instant's notice.

current situation:
as soon as I realized that the machine was, in fact, not him, every single event from that night flooded into my brain. I could see it. I could hear it. I could feel it. all at once. and this time, I wasn't on pills to numb the pain like I was the night of his death. I do this from time to time... the whole flash flood of images and emotions and feelings. and I know that it's perfectly normal, but the extent to which I do, is probably not normal. it is almost like self destruction, because I know that it is going to send me spiraling into a panic attack - yet, I do it anyways. on the interstate, nonetheless. so, here I am, practically convulsing on the interstate as I try to navigate my way to my apartment... and then the realization hits that I'll never see him again - which I know, but I cannot accept. and then my convulsions calm to tears and tears calm to a runny nose and then it's gone. I go back to the fact that he's still alive and just waiting at home in his recliner - preparing my mind for the next time.

why can't I just prepare my mind for the fact that he's not at home?
why can't I just accept the reality that he's gone forever?
and most importantly, why do I do this to myself?

“Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950’s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.”

 -Chuck Palahniuk

No. 7

well, the last bout with blogging my feelings lasted all of...6 posts.
we shall see how long this one lasts. and since my life is not exciting right now, my guess is probably not very long. but who knows? here goes nothing.

23 days.
this is the countdown.
the final countdown.
I will be a college graduate in twenty-three days. I will move back home in twenty-three days. I will have to find a job in twenty-three days. I will leave my best friend of four years in twenty-three days. the first two, I am pretty excited about. the latter two, not so much.

I mean, this is what the past four years have been about, right? my collegiate career is coming to an abrupt end. and don't get me wrong, I am so very ecstatic about being finished with school. BUT it means that I have to step out of my comfort zone and step into what is known by most as the "real world." what do I mean? well, I've been in school since I was the ripe age of five. that is seventeen years that I have been going to school. I'm comfortable. I know my place. I wake up, go to school, do extracurricular activities, go home, etc. I have never had to NOT go to school. so what is going to happen when there is no more school to go to? that is a bit frightening. I have to wake up and go to a forever job. WOAH, HAUS. I have such high hopes for what kind of job that I want, and what is going to happen if I don't get that job? I mean, I suppose that it is all in God's hands and I trust that. but it still frightens me for what is to come.

and what am I going to do without my best friend? yes, the girl drives me crazy sometimes. and yes, I drive her crazy just as much. but we have been through the thickest of thick and the thinnest of thin throughout the past four years. we met two weeks into our collegiate life and have been inseparable ever since. we are two completely different souls, but we mesh pretty well together. and in twenty-three days, I am going to be four hours away. I know that's not exactly across the country, but it's farther than wanted. I want to be right down the hall from her like it's always been. I guess we're going to have to invest in Skype like nobody's business. this is going to be quite the unfortunate situation.

but I guess this is growing up. (Blink 182 lyric, yes)

"so shall we come to look at the world with new eyes."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson 

No. 6

there is simply no need to rant about my feelings on this lovely night. because everything that I would have to say is spoken by Florence & the Machine in the form of this beautiful, beautiful song. 

there are few times in life when a song/video/book/etc speaks to you and touches every nerve ending in your body. this is one of my few times. the lyrics are spot on. her voice is lovely and majestic in every sense of the word. the video has substance without a story line to follow (which can rarely be achieved).

you know, people rant and rave about the music industry today and say that it is lacking. but if this is what music today has come to, then I'd say that I am quite pleased with where it has full circled to. because this is far from lacking in any area of the word.

...I just wish he knew that he has this effect upon me.

"write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." Ralph Waldo Emerson

No. 5

you know, there are some things in life that a woman simply should not do. and I firmly believe that taking out the trash is one of those very things. that is a job for the penis counterparts. judging from the monstrosity that my roommate and I just heaved to the dumpster, we are in major need of boyfriends and/or a male roommate. and yes, that is what I am starting this blog with. deal with it as you may, but I'm on to the next one.

I am not a person of many spoken words.
if given the option, I would rather be the listener rather than the speaker. which may very well be the primary reason that I enjoy listening to music as much as I do, but that is beside the point. back to my constant need to keep my emotions on the inside as opposed to the outside. I suppose that if I keep my thoughts inside of my head, they will be safe there. it's like if I let them into the world, they will get twisted or judged or taken as offensive or any other various action that can be applied to spoken words. and it seems as though that can get me into...predicaments. my usual "quietness" gets misconstrued into an array of feelings and emotions that simply are not intended. but I'm not so sure as to how to fix this problem? I really don't enjoy talking all that much, but...I don't really know.

and I guess the only reason that I even bring it up is because it caused a slight tussle tonight. but I do not really know how to explain myself in physical words. so the blog gets it instead of the person that really  needs to hear it. I suppose it will have to do for now.

to be nobody but yourself

in a world that is doing its best, day & night,

to make you everybody else

means to fight the hardest battle

which any human being

can fight

and never stop fighting.

e.e. cummings

No. 4

the arms race of sound.

Lullaby, by Chuck Palahniuk.         

This is what passes for civilization.

People who would never throw litter from their car will drive past you with their radio blaring. People who’d never blow cigar smoke at you in a crowded restaurant will bellow into their cell phone. They’ll shout at each other across the space of a dinner plate.

These people who would never spray herbicides or insecticides will fog the neighborhood with their stereo playing Scottish bagpipe music. Chinese opera. Country and western.

Outdoors, a bird singing is fine. Patsy Cline is not.

Outdoors, the din of traffic is bad enough. Adding Chopin’s Piano Concerto in E Minor is not making the situation any better.

You turn up your music to hide the noise. Other people turn up their music to hide yours.

You turn up yours again. Everyone buys a bigger stereo system. This is the arms race of sound. You don’t win with a lot of treble.

This isn’t about quality. It’s about volume.

This isn’t about music. This is about winning.

You stomp the competition with the bass line. You rattle windows. You drop the melody line and shout the lyrics. You put in foul language and come down hard on each cussword.

You dominate. This is really about power.

and I suppose that is the explanation. the arms race of sound came from an excerpt from the very first Palahniuk book that I had read. bring from the music background that I am, it kind of just stuck and became a recurring theme in my thought process, because in a sense, I contribute to the arms race of sound. I turn up my music to hide out everything else around me, whether that be traffic noises or my own mind. the volume, the bass line, the lyrics. it's who I am.

as for the iamredefined portion of my name...well, that one is a story for a rainier day.
and since I suppose this is the end of the post, a quote shall follow.
I think it is quite appropriate that the quote come from Chuck Palahniuk.

the unreal is more powerful than the real. because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because it's only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. if you can change the way peple think. the way they see themselves. the way they see the world. you can change the wya people live their lives. that's the only lasting thing you can create." Chuck Palahniuk 

No. 3

facts. explanations. simple enough.

1. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. it isn't an extremely over the top kind of obsession, but a few wrongs could lead to a bigger wrong (i.e. anxiety attack). at restaurants, I like to have a top on my cup if at all possible. I would prefer a clear top, but that usually isn't the case. it makes me antsy. driving down certain roads gives me anxiety attacks. I have an order of things to do when I go to sleep and they have to be done in that order or else I can't sleep well. people with incorrect grammar also give me anxiety. I am not entirely sure about this one, because technically, I have incorrect grammar due to my hatred of capital letters. that's number two..
2. I don't like capital letters. the only one that I really capitalize is 'I'. I can't explain this one, but I just think that little letters are...under rated. they never get to lead the sentence; they are followers. and I can relate to that.
3. homeless people fascinate me. even though they probably could get off the streets if they simply put a slight amount of effort into it, they do make for amazing photographs. some of the most stunning photos that I have ever seen are simple black and whites of homeless people. I believe that they are highly underestimated in their capabilities and if I could, I would help them all. but I am only one person.
4. music has more of an impact on my life than most humans ever will. my iTunes is probably the prized possession. it contains the inner-workings of my mind. the music may not be mine, but the playlists are... my form of creative outlet. they're my creations. for every situation that I encounter. and it doesn't matter what the situation is, I can find a song faster than I can find a human.
5. I do not like feet. this one is unexplained. I do not know the reasoning, but feet disgust me. I think the only person to ever have touched me with her feet and it not bother me is my grandmother. and I can look at feet...I just don't like to be touched by other people's feet. epitome of gross.

that should be enough for now.

maybe I'll play the fun facts game again at a later date.

and to end this one, I shall leave you with a quote from my favorite surrealist...

          "it is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself." Salvador Dali

No. 2

profound. it seems simple enough. say something profound.
but what does profound mean? according to a quite random Google search, i found the following result:
       pro-found (adj.)
        1. situated at, extending to, or coming from a great depth; deep.
        2. coming as if from the depths of one's being

well, I don't know the exact deepness of my thoughts and feelings, but they seem to be coming from a pretty deep depth of my being. especially here lately when my entire future is starting to mold and take shape into something that I am so very not prepared for.

step number one in my future is to graduate. again. and while that seems simple enough, it is kind of discomforting knowing that I will be graduating from a program that I really had no intention of being in. my entire life plan of about six years (that was fully molded and just waiting to be put into concretions) was, in one form or another, rejected. that put a slight damper on the all inclusive "Life Plan" that so many people set for themselves. however, after many facial waterfalls (my pillow still has mascara stains from that one) and a mental reevaluation, I pulled myself together somewhat and conjured up a very quick back up plan. I am currently living out this said back up plan and I ask myself from time to time -and by that, I mean minute to minute- if this is what/where I am supposed to be. I really have no way of knowing this, but for now, it seems okay enough. I guess I will go about pondering this some more. and it very well may make a reappearance at a later post so don't be too caught off guard. we shall see what comes of it, I suppose.

another slightly less profound concept that has complexed (apparently, that isn't a word, but for all intents and purposes, we shall roll with it) me lately has been the word emotion. when i was a little girl, it was very hard to separate from my emotional ties, say to like my blanket or Power Ranger dolls or Barbies. but as I've gotten older, I have realized that my emotional ties are not so emotional. and that's concerning. I suppose that it is most concerning when it comes to friendships and relationships...I don't really know how to elaborate without coming off in some sort of ill manner, but I just think that I should have a little more feelings behind things. maybe my severe lack of emotion could be a good thing? it seems to be an advantage in situations thus far. but maybe it's not? I guess I will soon find out.

and I guess I have completed this post for the time being. I said things that seemed about as profound as I could conjure up sitting in this too quiet computer lab alone with my thoughts. it seems as though I should have a closing statement, like in a court room or something. so, I suppose that I shall start a trend among my posts -I will end each one with a quote that I think seems, wait for it, profound.

I shall start with one of my favorites and leave it be. enjoy.

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

No. 1

I don't really have a lot to say now. but rest assured, you'll be the first to know when something witty or remarkable or profound or miserable comes to mind. not to put any pressure on you, but I'm counting on you to be there whenever, wherever.